tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7995804341637371052024-03-14T09:12:43.596+00:00The Reluctant Perfectionist...life as a writer with obsessive-compulsive disorderHelen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.comBlogger175125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-14146953406147640002018-01-30T19:05:00.000+00:002018-01-30T19:05:27.088+00:00You’ve got a friend<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj27ojuk6CaA5dYty1Ody6ursNRCpiVJzZt_8tZK1Xmyhi6hQyvYbEMnSFqYnR-6YY1Su4xe5SyNoJdonELYxCRRfXyA1FiESyNg93MlGxWCCLQ1kiu5nJP2gi7BlLjJesnV93RlPDZoU/s1600/Dementia+Friends+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="320" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj27ojuk6CaA5dYty1Ody6ursNRCpiVJzZt_8tZK1Xmyhi6hQyvYbEMnSFqYnR-6YY1Su4xe5SyNoJdonELYxCRRfXyA1FiESyNg93MlGxWCCLQ1kiu5nJP2gi7BlLjJesnV93RlPDZoU/s200/Dementia+Friends+logo.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Earlier this month, my workplace hosted a Dementia Friends’ information session. Dementia Friends is an <a href="http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/" target="_blank">Alzheimer’s Society</a> initiative that aims to transform the way people think, talk and act in regard to dementia. I expected to be familiar with much of the course content, but opted to attend anyway, to formalise my support of this cause – I am now the proud owner of a pin badge confirming my status as a Dementia Friend!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In fact, it transpired that there was plenty for me to learn and I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you the five key messages promoted through this programme. The messages are in bold text below, but I’ve also included some elaboration, as well as my own comments, after each one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dementia is not a natural part of ageing</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many a friend or acquaintance, on hearing about my parents, has commented ‘Oh, my Mum/Dad doesn’t have dementia, but…’ and then gone on to describe behaviours that sound very much like dementia, but which they attribute to their parent’s age. While I’m no expert, the evidence presented often makes it clear that, at the very least, the situation requires further investigation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s only natural to go into denial, if you fear dementia is at play, however, denial has never solved any problem! Given that diagnosis of the condition can be a lengthy process, it’s better to seek medical advice sooner rather than later. And there are many other illnesses that could be to blame – for example, urinary tract infections in the elderly can cause a significant level of mental confusion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Above all, trust your gut instinct. You know your loved one better than any medical professional, so if you sense that something is wrong, you are, in all likelihood, right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dementia is caused by diseases of the brain</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A lot of people use the terms ‘dementia’ and ‘Alzheimer’s Disease’ interchangeably. Alzheimer’s is actually one of many diseases that cause dementia, and, while it is the most common, there are actually 100+ types of dementia. The second most common is Vascular Dementia and others include Dementia with Lewy Bodies and Frontotemporal Dementia. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Obviously it’s helpful for doctors to identify the type, to establish the best course of treatment – there are medications that can slow dementia’s progression – but it can also be useful in helping friends and family to understand how the condition will develop. For example, in Vascular Dementia, this tends to be a ‘stepped’ decline, with plateaus followed by sudden deterioration, while Alzheimer’s is usually more gradual.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dementia is not just about losing your memory – it can affect thinking, communicating and doing everyday tasks</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never underestimate the ways in which dementia can affect somebody. The information session leader asked us to imagine the brain as being full of fairy lights, with each one representing a particular function. Nobody knows which fairy lights dementia will turn off, or in what order. That helped me to understand why Mum can race through a crossword, but is unable to write a Christmas card without help.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every single aspect of a person’s functioning can, therefore, be affected, including mobility and visual perception. Somebody with dementia may, for example, be frightened to enter a shop because they perceive the dark-coloured rug at its entrance as a hole in the floor.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>It’s possible to live well with dementia</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In order to live well, it’s critical not only to be diagnosed – so that you know what you are dealing with – but also for this diagnosis to come early enough to implement measures that will facilitate independent living. My sister and I learned the hard way that, at a certain point, people with dementia become unable to take on board any new learning, whether that be a gadget or a system, such as notices or lists.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">About a year ago, we bought our parents a day clock, which is simply a clock face with the days of the week marked on it and a pointer. We thought it would help them to keep track of the passage of time, but they never use it. Either they don’t recall that it is there – right in front of them in the living room! – or they simply don’t know what it is. At the time we introduced this, their symptoms were at the low end of moderate, yet it was still too late for them to adapt to this new feature in their lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have, however, read some amazing stories of people with dementia who, with the right support in place, continue to work and travel and lead relatively normal lives. Some even blog about their experiences, including <a href="https://kateswaffer.com/" target="_blank">Kate Swaffer</a> and <a href="https://whichmeamitoday.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Wendy Mitchell</a>, both of whom have early-onset dementia. Wendy also has a <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Somebody-Used-Know-Wendy-Mitchell/dp/1408893363/ref=sr_1_1/262-9502928-1929229?ie=UTF8&qid=1517159643&sr=8-1&keywords=wendy+mitchell" target="_blank">book</a> about her experiences coming out this week, which is a remarkable achievement by anybody’s standards.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>There’s more to a person than the dementia</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It can be hard to remember this, when your life seems to have been consumed by the practicalities of caring for somebody whose ever-changing needs all revolve around dementia. It’s hard also to remember this when so many elements of the person you love have already been lost. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet nearly every time I speak to Mum and Dad, I’m reminded that they are fundamentally the same people they always were. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dad still displays his wicked dry sense of humour, enjoys listening to the football on the radio and loves his food – especially his post-meal chocolates. Mum delights in chatting about anything and everything, doing crosswords and walking – oh, and engaging in cheeky banter with any tradesman who visits their home! And they are still the Mum and Dad who worry about their daughters, as evidenced when I was recently laid low with a nasty virus.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>How to be a Dementia Friend…</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Dementia Friends’ programme aims to help people learn a little more about dementia and to turn that knowledge into action - and they make clear that ‘No action is too small’. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So that might simply mean being patient with the person in front of you at the supermarket checkout who is struggling to find the right change. Or not huffing and puffing at somebody who is blocking a shop doorway. Anybody you encounter could potentially be struggling with challenges caused by dementia. Give them the benefit of the doubt and, if you can, give them a hand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You can find out more about Dementia Friends <a href="http://www.dementiafriends.org.uk/" target="_blank">here</a>. You can also become a Friend yourself by watching this <a href="http://www.dementiafriends.org.uk/register-digital-friend" target="_blank">video </a>or by attending a free one-hour information session – find your nearest one <a href="http://www.dementiafriends.org.uk/WEBSession" target="_blank">here</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-63367391459501998972017-12-30T19:55:00.000+00:002018-01-14T15:02:43.534+00:00Let me entertain you<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People with dementia often find it hard to keep up with their favourite hobbies due to increasing mental and physical constraints. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My parents, for example, were both keen readers, but how can you follow a story, when you can't recall what you’ve read from one minute to the next? </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Likewise, the simple pleasure of losing yourself in a good television drama or film becomes impossible, when you can't keep track of what's going on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One early indicator of the severity of Mum's memory problems was that she began relaying the same newspaper stories to us over and over again in the space of a few minutes. On one such occasion, a celebrity had died and it was clear from Mum's surprised tone of voice that, every time she told us this, it was as if she had just read the report for the first time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mum has always been a fidget and now occupies much of her time pottering around the house – mostly moving stuff to some place where nobody else can find it. She's oblivious to her condition and is convinced that she still manages everything as well as she ever did. This activity must, therefore, make her feel useful, which is a good thing, but it's not exactly interesting or stimulating.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She does, at least, love to go out for walks and is still safe to do so on her own, as she never deviates from the same short route, which is populated by kindly neighbours who know her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Over the last 15 or so years, though – long before dementia struck either of them – Dad has become more and more of a homebody and less and less inclined to do anything outside of his normal routine. His one interest is listening to and watching sport. Other than that, he spends his days snoozing in his armchair, breaking off only for meals, his regular treat of a chocolate…and to go to bed!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Until the <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2017/11/28-days-later.html" target="_blank">live-in carer moved in</a>, however, my sister, Alison, and I could do little to improve the quality of our parents' lives. Any time that we spent at their house was devoted to bringing order to the chaos caused by dementia. Now that we're relieved of that responsibility, we have capacity to encourage them to participate in more activities.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mum has always loved crosswords and word puzzles, but doesn't always remember to do them or, at best, half finishes them. So, on one visit a few weeks ago, I sat her down with the newspaper and a pencil and perched myself next to her, ready to help as necessary.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The idea that she might need help proved laughable. Every time she read out a clue, she followed it, half a second later, with the answer. My younger, supposedly more agile, brain hadn't even made sense of the clue, and she was already scribbling down the solution. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It didn't help that she has a less methodical approach to puzzles than I do. She was picking out clues at random and not crossing out those that we (er, I mean, she) had completed. I had no idea where we were at until she came up for air a few minutes later, when the whole grid was full.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We moved on to a different kind of puzzle, where we had to make one nine-letter word from the letters in a three-by-three grid, and as many words of four letters or more as possible, all of which had to include the letter in the middle – 'g'. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Barely were the words 'Shall we have a go at this one?' out of my mouth, than Mum said 'Fattening.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Sorry,' I said, 'what is?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'The nine-letter word, it's "fattening",' she explained. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">By now, I was feeling like an absolute moron.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Doing the rest of the puzzle was more of a challenge. Mum came up with plenty of words, but not many of them had a 'g' in them and lots were only three letters long. I kept reminding her of these rules, but to no avail. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was also keeping a list of words that we had come up with, but rather than referring to that, Mum kept offering the same ones. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Have we got "gate"?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Yes, Mum, it’s on the list, look.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A moment later…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'What about "gate"?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Yes, it's here, see? Second on the list.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Two minutes later…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Ooo, I've got another one…"gate".'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Alison subsequently – and quite sensibly – pointed out that it would probably have been better just to let Mum come up with words, whether they had a 'g' in them or not, and whatever length they were. The point of the exercise, after all, was enjoyment and mental stimulation. I'm a very rule-driven person and it simply hadn't occurred to me to bend those supplied. In fact, with dementia, you might as well throw every rule book you have out of the window.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As an example of that, later the same afternoon, I found myself having to talk Mum through writing the family Christmas cards, literally word by word. The brain is, of course, a complex organ, and dementia a complex condition, but it was hard to reconcile these two versions of Mum – the word whizz and the person who couldn't write a Christmas card on her own.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The most successful activity I've tried so far is watching old music DVDs with both of them. Singing and listening to music are known to be <a href="https://www.dementiauk.org/music-therapy/" target="_blank">beneficial to people with dementia</a>, but I had never tested this before. We began with a John Denver concert and it wasn't long before I found myself witnessing something akin to a miracle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Dementia has exacerbated Mum's natural restlessness and she usually can't sit still for more than five minutes. As she became more and more engrossed in the show, however, she seemed to lose any inclination to shoot off and do nothing in particular somewhere else. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As for Dad…well, he actually stayed awake for nearly an hour and a half, eyes glued to the screen. He even chipped in occasional comments, such as 'He died in a plane crash', and 'We saw him at the NEC'. That might not sound much, but he rarely initiates a conversation – or, indeed, even answers questions put to him. To see such involvement was amazing, especially after he had declared he 'wasn’t bothered' about watching DVDs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I cuddled next to Mum on the sofa, with Dad nearby in his favourite armchair, I struggled to hold back tears, knowing that this was a memory I would always cherish.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I got home, I researched John Denver online and was spooked to realise that the concert we had been watching was actually the one Mum and Dad had been to, in May 1986 – probably the reason they had the DVD. The idea that my 'real' parents, my pre-dementia parents, were in that audience was disconcerting. If only I could reach into the screen and pull them out…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On my next visit, I got out the same DVD, so that we could pick up where we had left off. Of course, Mum and Dad had no recollection of having watched it before. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'We could just start from the beginning?' Mum suggested.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I persisted in fast-forwarding, fearful of otherwise becoming trapped in a <i>Groundhog Day</i> type scenario, in which I'd never get beyond 'My Sweet Lady' on the set list.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A few songs in, Mum turned to Dad, her face glowing, and said 'This is good, isn’t it, Georgie?' He gave a silent, but very firm nod in response. That simple exchange made for one of the best moments of my year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For the last 16 months, Alison and I have focussed solely on ensuring that our parents are safe and comfortable. Knowing that we can also still bring some actual pleasure to their lives is immensely rewarding. I only wish that they could remember and treasure those moments as I do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wishing you all many happy and memorable moments with your loved ones in 2018.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-9734664269120763852017-11-21T14:35:00.000+00:002017-11-21T14:46:16.208+00:0028 days later<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Regular readers of this blog may have noticed a hiatus in my posts over the last few months. This is because, a day after publishing the last one, I exchanged contracts on the sale of my flat in London and began the three-month countdown to my relocation to the Midlands.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Apart from tying up loose ends at the office during my two-month notice period and dealing with 101 moving-related tasks, I also had to secure a new job, find a property to rent and arrange farewell meet-ups with a dozen different sets of friends. Something had to give and, sadly, that something was my writing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Somehow everything fell into place and I left London at the end of September, moved into my new home a week later, and started a new part-time job a fortnight after that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the middle of all of this, however, my sister, Alison, and I were also trying to sort out live-in care for our parents. This decision was prompted by a series of paramedic callouts to my dad in May – five in 10 days, in fact. These all related to Dad’s poor mobility – he has Parkinson’s Disease – and included him falling over when he and Mum got wedged in a doorway together!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For the next few weeks, Alison and I were beside ourselves with worry. Neither of us could sleep properly and every phone call made us jump. As I was still living in London, Alison was the one who ended up camped out at the hospital with Mum, every time Dad was taken in for checks. We worried not only about his mobility and safety around the home, but also about their overall quality of life. The four daily care visits, plus one weekly all-morning call, were no longer enough to stave off the creeping chaos caused by dementia. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The condition is not just about forgetting things, but also about being unable to process information. Every visit we made revolved around picking up the pieces, including identifying dirty clothes that had been put away amongst clean ones, throwing away food that had been left out of the fridge, and tracking down numerous missing items. And that was only the tip of the iceberg. Until you’ve experienced dementia at first hand, it’s impossible to appreciate just how many problems it can throw up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ensuring that the carers did what they were supposed to was yet another challenge. The purpose of the morning visit was to get Dad up, washed and dressed, and to give him his medication. Simple enough, you would think? Yet time and again, we found him in dirty clothes that he had been wearing for several days. It was distressing that, in spite of our best efforts to make sure he was cared for, he looked like a tramp. To say nothing of the medication errors we unearthed a number of times…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mum and Dad were uncomprehending of our concerns. Dad was also formally diagnosed with dementia this summer and neither of them had any recollection of the multiple paramedic visits and subsequent trips to hospital, let alone any understanding of their reduced comfort and safety. How on earth do you persuade somebody of their need for help under those circumstances? No amount of explanations or reasoning enabled them to grasp the situation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally we decided to draw up a list of benefits of live-in care – both to them and us – and left it with them to peruse and, hopefully, absorb over time. In the meantime, we researched relevant companies, who could supply a team of two rotating carers, and chose the one that suited us best. Their rep then visited all four of us at our parents’ home, to conduct an assessment, so that they could be ready to roll as soon as we gave them the word.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However, Mum and Dad still weren’t persuaded. Although Alison and I have Power of Attorney and could make a decision for them if we deemed them mentally incapable of doing so, we wanted them to be involved as much as possible – indeed, it’s an Attorney’s responsibility to ensure that. So we discussed it with them on the phone – again and again and again – and then, finally, arranged to visit them together to talk it all through. At that point, they caved, unable to field any arguments to counter the points that we had raised. At last we had buy-in! For about 30 seconds.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk50gBlRDb2ru9AzU4VTaACV78-IcL8HTyTxD6th2fimG_mFCnKoz7J7ZsMzePhU0A1RytIEibDB0bIvm8CodgFpxh65cgpN9S4TDurvv4Le8mCTMOOfnXBcFLst93k3px_RMVcX8PRV4/s1600/Help+close-up+in+sand+-+Simon+Howden.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="266" data-original-width="400" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk50gBlRDb2ru9AzU4VTaACV78-IcL8HTyTxD6th2fimG_mFCnKoz7J7ZsMzePhU0A1RytIEibDB0bIvm8CodgFpxh65cgpN9S4TDurvv4Le8mCTMOOfnXBcFLst93k3px_RMVcX8PRV4/s320/Help+close-up+in+sand+-+Simon+Howden.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Simon Howden/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No sooner had we give our chosen company the go-ahead, than it became apparent that Mum and Dad had forgotten everything we had previously discussed. It was time to admit defeat and take matters out of their hands, for the sake not only of their safety and wellbeing, but our own sanity. We could simply no longer cope with the demands on our time or the emotional and mental pressures.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many carers are sustained for a long time in their role by a combination of love and guilt, but there comes a point when everybody reaches their limit and burns out. That limit will be different for each and every one of us and will be influenced by our personality, our personal circumstances and our relationship with the person we’re caring for. Given my mum’s impatience, I reckon she’d last about half an hour dealing with somebody with dementia!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We see our responsibility as being to make sure that our parents are well looked after, but not necessarily to do the hands-on caring. Of course, we are still ‘caring’ in the sense that we manage every other aspect of their home and lives, visit at least weekly and phone on non-visit days. Another important factor for me was to take into account what they would tell us to do, if they fully understood their predicament and the strain we were under.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fortunately, over the last year or so of supporting our parents, Alison and I have always agreed on what we feel is best for them and, in terms of family, there is nobody else to interfere with our decisions. Though we did have some unhelpful comments from a few outsiders, including one telling us ‘Your parents don’t want a live-in carer.’ We knew – as so many carers of those with dementia come to realise – that it had become a case of considering not what they wanted, but what they needed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We’re lucky that they have, for now, sufficient funds to afford live-in care. Signing the direct debit form that will lead to the rapid erosion of their savings was, nevertheless, a teeth-clenchingly difficult thing to do. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t take Dad’s approach. He sees those savings as being for a rainy day, but is oblivious to the fact that he’s already in the middle of a monsoon!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so, after all these battles, Dana* moved in with our parents as their first live-in carer four weeks ago yesterday. She is young, energetic, proactive and cheerful, with a warm personality, and takes whatever is thrown at her in her stride. Which has certainly been a helpful characteristic to have, as there was a rainwater leak through the hall ceiling within a fortnight of her starting! A succession of smaller household issues have followed, prompting her to joke ‘Maybe the house doesn’t like Czech people?’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We’ve been immensely grateful to have her there to help address these problems. Dealing with Mum and Dad in such circumstances is well-nigh impossible. They don’t understand what has happened, can’t present a clear picture of the issue over the phone and can’t possibly contribute towards effecting a solution.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In addition, yesterday Dad took a tumble in the toilet. In the past, this would have meant Mum calling the neighbours in to pick him up, paramedics being summoned to check him over and probably hours at the hospital, both for them and Alison. Instead Dana got him up, checked he was uninjured, and settled him down to recover with a drink and a biscuit…and a promise to me – via a quick text – that she would keep an eye out for any ensuing problems. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She’s still getting to know our parents and their likes, dislikes and quirks, and we are all working together to put in place whatever is needed to facilitate her role, such as buying a vacuum cleaner that actually works and setting up an online shopping account. Now, though, we are a team of three supporting our parents and we have somebody permanently available on the ground to reduce the risk of disaster.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Better yet, Alison and I are now able to enjoy quality time with Mum and Dad when we visit, instead of rushing about putting right the dementia-fuelled chaos and getting more stressed by the second. Our parents' comfort and safety are paramount, but enjoying the time that we all have left together is a very close second.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-9004237816067780292017-06-29T13:10:00.000+01:002017-06-29T13:16:28.959+01:00Alternate world<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s not easy to find respite from the anxiety and stress of supporting two parents with dementia. These days, only something really engaging will divert me from the constant worry, planning and problem-solving. I’ve always enjoyed science-fiction and superhero stories, though, and letting my imagination wander through these other worlds provides a welcome, albeit temporary, escape from my own.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of my favourite television shows is <i>Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.</i>, which has great chemistry between the characters and also a nice line in humour. As I settled down to watch a couple of episodes from Series 4 a few weeks back, little did I suspect that a new storyline would bring dementia right back to the forefront of my mind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A group of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents becomes trapped in something called The Framework – a computer-generated alternate version of the real world. While their actual bodies are held captive, they roam free in this virtual reality, living out different lives fuelled by false memories. Two of their colleagues, Jemma and Daisy, deliberately enter this reality to try to rescue their friends.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However, none of the agents in The Framework has any awareness that what they are experiencing isn’t real. As Jemma and Daisy try to explain the situation, they encounter a range of responses, from incredulity to complete denial and anger. One even challenges Daisy, ‘How do you know yours isn’t the fake world?’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">By this point, I had begun thinking ‘Oh God, this is what it’s like for Mum and Dad!’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mum, in particular, now lives in an alternate reality, which is essentially her life as it was 6 or 7 years ago. She has no idea that she has dementia and is convinced that she’s functioning normally and managing household affairs as well as she always did. Recently, when I gently suggested that her memory wasn't as good as it used to be, she tetchily replied, ‘My memory’s not that bad. You’re all talking me into it!’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So when she asks how I am and I say, ‘Tired’, she’ll respond, ‘You can always come up here if you need a break.’ Or if I mention that I’m busy, ‘Let us know if we can do anything to help.’ It’s sweet that she’s still fundamentally Mum, showing her old Mum concern, but the idea that they could provide either a rest or help is utterly far-fetched – and ironic, given that they are the reason for both my fatigue and having too much to do! All I can reply is, ‘Thanks, Mum, that’s kind of you.’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My sister and I have to enter our parents’ reality, because we have no other choice. Even if we could persuade them of the truth of their situation, what would be the point? It would be cruel, hurtful and upsetting. Sometimes, though, I wish they did understand, even a little, as it would make it so much easier to persuade them of their need for more help. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As so many friends have pointed out, though, ‘They’re happy in themselves.’ That can be hard to accept, however, when that happiness is based on a false premise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Which brings me back to <i>Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.</i>, where one character elects to stay in The Framework, because in there his young daughter is still alive. Although he has come to understand that this existence is not real, he prefers it to one devoid of his daughter’s presence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All told, this particular storyline proved to be anything but relaxing and diverting! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being forced to enter a dementia reality can mess with your own head a little. Every phone call to my parents necessitates playing a role to match their view of the world. Sometimes, talking to them, I’m almost persuaded that everything is back to normal. In conversation, Mum especially is still so articulate and bright and engaged, that it’s easy to believe there is nothing wrong with her at all. My having to act as if that is the case only adds to the illusion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I also have to be economical with the truth on some subjects. Three months ago, I split up with my partner of 16+ years, but I haven’t told my parents because a) they’ll be upset, and b) they won’t remember and I’ll only have to tell them again (and again and again), so upsetting them over and over. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Instead, when Mum enquires after him – Dad would never think to – I give her a report that is based on the texts and emails we still exchange and his personal and professional Facebook posts. Thank goodness for social media to help me create an authentic fiction of our now defunct relationship! So far, I’ve managed to maintain the pretence, without actually lying to Mum – ‘Yes, Mum, he’s really busy with work’ or ‘No, Mum, I’m afraid he doesn’t have time to visit you and Dad. In fact, I hardly see him myself.’ It’s surprisingly easy to say something and nothing at the same time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I might have a bigger challenge on my hands if any future partner ever meets my parents. While we all change as we age – and they haven’t seen my ex for at least a couple of years – I’m not sure how I’ll explain a different ethnicity or a 4-inch height gain... Though who knows what their mental status might be by then – they might not even recognise me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thinking ahead to that prospect – which I generally try to avoid – I suppose, after all, the current situation isn’t as bad as any number of other possible realities. Or, at least, that’s what I keep trying to tell myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-46736019715606972982017-05-24T12:05:00.000+01:002017-05-24T12:05:02.118+01:00Top tips<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This month I’d like to share some of the knowledge that my sister and I have acquired in terms of securing funding and other assistance for our elderly parents – and saving them money!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Please bear in mind that this advice is a starting point only, for you to make your own enquiries, and there may, of course, be legislative changes after the General Election.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Power of Attorney (POA) is essentially a legal document that allows you to act on behalf of another person. There are two kinds, one relating to financial decisions and the other to health and care decisions. The former may be implemented either immediately or when the person loses mental capacity. The latter only takes effect when the person loses mental capacity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s very important, however, to get POA drawn up before a person loses mental capacity. If you don’t, you will have to apply, instead, to the Court of Protection to be appointed their Deputy – a much longer and more expensive process.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many people resist putting POA in place. This may be because they are in denial about their mental frailties or perhaps because they fear a loss of control and independence. It can be a difficult and delicate conversation to have, and the response from your loved one is also likely to be influenced by your relationship with them, ie do they trust you to have their best interests at heart? Our parents presented some initial resistance, but were persuaded by our repeated reassurances that we would only step in to help when needed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The key thing we learned about POA is that you don’t need a solicitor to draw this up – a friend mentioned this to me by chance, immediately saving us £1,000 in legal fees! You can do it all yourself using the guidance and forms supplied by the <a href="https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/office-of-the-public-guardian" target="_blank">Office of the Public Guardian</a> (OPG), at a cost of just £82 per form, ie their registration fee. Please note, though, that this only applies in England and Wales; you can find separate guidance for Scotland <a href="http://www.publicguardian-scotland.gov.uk/" target="_blank">here</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you follow the OPG’s instructions carefully – and they are very detailed and clear – you should be able to set this up without legal assistance. However, if your loved one’s circumstances are complicated, or they require bespoke instructions to be given to their Attorneys, it may be preferable to use a solicitor. I’d suggest reviewing the forms first, before deciding which is the more appropriate approach.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Age UK have an online benefits’ calculator, which enables you to check that your loved one is receiving all of the state benefits they are entitled to. You may also be able to fill in one of their hard copy ‘Welfare Benefit Entitlement’ forms and submit it to your local office for an adviser to review. You can find contact details for your nearest Age UK office, and the services they provide, on this <a href="http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/benefits-calculator/" target="_blank">benefits’ calculator page</a>. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Pixababy</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And don’t forget those benefits that are universal (at present!), such as winter fuel payments and the over-75s’ free TV licence.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s also well worth looking into eligibility for Attendance Allowance – again Age UK have <a href="http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/attendance-allowance/" target="_blank">guidance</a> on this ‘benefit for older people who may need extra help to stay independent at home, due to an illness or disability’. The related government <a href="https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance" target="_blank">website</a> is useful, too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This allowance is currently payable at the rate of £55.65 per week if you need help either in the day or at night and £83.10 if you need help both in the day and at night. It’s payable tax-free, is not means-tested and you don’t actually need to be receiving care for it to be granted. There are also no rules or restrictions as to how you use this allowance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My sister had help from an Age UK volunteer in re-drafting the relevant application forms for my parents, to ensure that they stood the best possible chance of success – both were awarded this allowance, with Dad receiving the higher rate. This was also backdated to the date of claim, which provided a couple of nice lump sums.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Council tax</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Due to Mum’s dementia and the fact that she now receives Attendance Allowance, my parents are entitled to a 25% discount on their council tax. The Alzheimer’s Society has helpful <a href="https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20032/legal_and_financial/83/council_tax/3" target="_blank">guidance</a> on the relevant qualifying criteria. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If all of the adults living at a property meet these criteria, then that property becomes exempt and council tax doesn’t have to be paid. Sadly, we are likely to find ourselves in that position soon, as Dad is also suffering memory loss and confusion. The only silver lining – albeit a somewhat tarnished one – is that this will save them nearly £2,000 a year altogether.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Bills</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many of us fail to review costs for our utilities, either through lack of time or the fear that making a change will be too much hassle. Physical or mental impairments can also present an impediment, whether you are young or old. My dad is hard of hearing, has blurry vision due to cataracts and poor dexterity as a result of Parkinson’s Disease; he simply can’t manage the necessary investigations and negotiations even on the phone, let alone online.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Added to which, we came to realise that he had always placed his trust in companies to give him the best deal – he never thought to challenge bills and I suspect a lot of older folk are the same.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In light of all of this, we arranged for him to sign ‘letters of authority’ to the relevant organisations, giving permission to me and my sister to deal with them on his behalf. This avoided the delay entailed in sending the POA forms to each in turn and removed the risk of those forms getting lost – certified copies are very expensive to obtain.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now my parents pay 50% less on their phone bills and are on fixed rate tariffs for their electricity and gas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If a property doesn’t have a water meter, that may also be worth considering. The Consumer Council for Water has a useful <a href="https://www.ccwater.org.uk/watermetercalculator/" target="_blank">calculator</a> to help you assess if this would be of financial benefit. We decided against this after discovering a tap left running at my parents’ house!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The online comparison sites are, of course, a great resource. We saved our parents £400 on their buildings’ and contents’ cover with very little effort. Money expert Martin Lewis’s <a href="http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/" target="_blank">site</a> is also well worth checking out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Equipment</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are all sorts of adaptations available to help the elderly keep mobile and safe at home. The local council should be able to arrange for an occupational therapist to assess needs and what will be beneficial.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The social care system undoubtedly has its failings, but I’ve been impressed by how much equipment has been provided to my parents for free, including: handrails; raised toilet seats with grab rails; raisers for Dad’s bed and armchair; a wheelchair; a walking stick; and a key safe to allow carer access.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Praisaeng/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are also paid-for services, such as the telecare system that we have had installed. This consists of a base unit connected to a bracelet with a button that Dad can press in case of emergency. The referral from social services meant that the installation cost was waived – it’s usually £37 – and it then costs just £15.96 a month to rent. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The best part, however, is that we’ve added integrated smoke alarms and a carbon monoxide alarm to this system, entirely for free. We simply asked for a referral from the fire service, which they were happy to provide, given our parents’ vulnerability. Ordinarily each of these 4 alarms would cost just under £5 per month to rent, but this cost is met by their local social services.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The smoke alarms were put to use within 3 weeks of installation, when Mum burnt the toast and succeeded in filling the entire downstairs with smoke. Before she or Dad could even figure out what was going on, there were firemen at their door. It provides great peace of mind to me and my sister – at least one thing we can be sure of is that their home won’t burn down around them!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Please do share your own tips by leaving a comment below.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-66849009521051261012017-04-23T13:15:00.000+01:002017-04-23T13:15:17.882+01:00New girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Pixababy</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Getting to grips with my parents' domestic and financial affairs has been one of the challenges of supporting them over the last 8 months. In many ways, the experience has mirrored that of starting a new job...except I didn't apply for this one and the terms and conditions are terrible - no pay, no holiday and on call 24/7!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know how it goes in a new role...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Day 1: Your predecessor has left no handover notes, you haven't got a clue what you're doing and the learning 'curve' is more of a cliff face.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I first dipped a toe into these murky waters during a fleeting visit to my parents last September. My sister, who lives closer to them, was becoming overwhelmed by all of the meetings that followed Dad's unexpected hospital stay, and asked if I could deal with one of them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I travelled there and back by train on the day and had only 5 hours at their house in between. By the time I'd met with the social worker and occupational therapist and dealt with some unexpected domestic crises - including the boiler going wrong - I was left with just an hour and a half to start on the paperwork.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My first port of call was the 'treasure chest'. This beautiful old wooden box holds all of my parents' most important documentation. As children, we never knew exactly what it contained, but Dad had drilled into us that, in the event of a fire, it was to be hurled out of the window to safety first. Never mind the women and children, the box had priority. In this age of digital records, I doubt it is quite so important. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dad reassured me that everything I needed would be in there, but he was unable to give any more of a steer than that - for the last 18 months or so, he has struggled to manage his affairs, hence our intervention.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Armed with a pen and A4 notepad, I pulled a 4-inch pile of paper out of the chest and began to scribble furiously - organisation names and addresses, policy numbers, maturity dates, interest rates... I was making great progress, until, out of curiosity, I opened the box file that had been lying on top of the chest and which I'd moved aside without exploring its contents. Only to discover it was also full of documentation, some from the same organisations, but some completely new to me. My heart raced and my hands shook as I tried to sort it all out. By now, I had less than half an hour before my taxi arrived to take me back to the station. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With 5 minutes to go, I had pretty much brought order to this new pile...then found a plastic bag stuffed with yet more papers. I hate leaving jobs unfinished, but my time was up; I had to admit defeat until my next visit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Three months in: You're getting the hang of the job and have started to implement some new systems.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the next two visits, with more time available to me - and the help of my sister - I finally managed to identify which was current paperwork and which was for shredding. This in spite of unearthing another foot-high (no exaggeration) pile in a filing cabinet and having to deal with Mum's repeated interruptions to ask 'I don't suppose I can, but is there anything I can do to help?' A typically kind offer, but even before her dementia took hold, Mum would have been unable to assist; the division of labour between my parents has always been very clear and finance and admin have never been her domain.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of nuttakit/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A need for order is a key feature of my obsessive-compulsive disorder and this carries through to all areas of my life. Filing my parents' paperwork away into new, neatly labelled folders was not only satisfying but also calming. The distress of witnessing Mum and Dad's decline has been eased by knowing that at least I have control over one element of their lives. And the focus required to deal with this admin provides a welcome distraction from my emotional upset.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In addition to creating a paper system, I input the key information into spreadsheets. Oh, how I love the way those little boxes enable me to bring order to chaos. Whether adding up figures or sorting data, they are the ultimate in control...even if I did end up with a lot of blank fields and more questions than I'd started with.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take the bank statements, for example. Why was £250 leaving their current account every month? Why were they paying a monthly £7.99 to Dixons? And what was in the safety deposit box that cost £15 a year to maintain? I still had dozens of pieces to slot into place in the giant puzzle of my parents' life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Six months in: You realise that your eagerness to put your stamp on the job was misplaced - some of your new systems just aren't working</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It took months to fully populate my marvellous new spreadsheets - and numerous letters seeking clarification and information from the relevant organisations, which I drafted for Dad to read and sign. I logged every last detail that came back, conscious that, should anything happen to me, somebody else would need to be able to pick it all up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then I realised that a) I was duplicating some records and b) there is such a thing as too many spreadsheets. It was difficult to remember where I had recorded what and I was spending far too much time updating everything. I had too much else to do to waste a second - from re-negotiating a horribly expensive telephone package and renewing maturing bonds, to setting up direct debits for bills and collating information for Dad's tax return.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So began the Great Spreadsheet Cull... And, at last, my systems seem to be working.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sister and I now spend much of our spare time supporting our parents and sometimes I feel resentful of that. I have to keep reminding myself that every minute we devote to them helps them to remain in their home, which is where they really want to be. So long as they are together, and in the house they have shared for nearly 40 years, they will, I think, be reasonably happy. They are still so very fond of each other and it is deeply touching to see their continuing mutual affection, in spite of their increasing physical and mental challenges.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One thing I know for certain about this job is that I will never resign from it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-23854941837391846032017-03-02T14:00:00.000+00:002017-03-02T14:06:41.347+00:00Mum the Magician<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Over the last few years, I've done a lot of research on dementia, both to help me understand Mum's behaviour better and to find ways to address the challenges that the condition presents. I'm by no means an expert, but have picked up some key points.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first is that many different diseases cause dementia, of which Alzheimer's is just one, and it's also possible to have 'mixed dementia' - about 10% of cases fall into this category. In fact, although I wrote l<a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2017_02_01_archive.html" target="_blank">ast time</a> that Mum has Alzheimer's, she also has vascular dementia, and this is the most common combination.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The second is that dementia is about much more than just memory loss: a whole host of other issues can arise, even in the early stages, when, for example, there may be difficulties in reasoning, planning and organising. As the condition progresses, problems include changes to mood, personality and sleep patterns, incontinence, and the risk of wandering and getting lost. In the final stages, there is complete loss of awareness and a significant decrease in physical abilities - being unable to walk, sit or even swallow. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It can be hard to determine whether an individual is at the mild, moderate or severe stage, as there is often overlap between them. If the diagnosis is mixed dementia, that complicates things still further - for instance, memory loss is not usually one of the early symptoms of vascular dementia. My non-expert view is that Mum is just bordering the moderate stage.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The third is that each person's experience of dementia is quite different, both in terms of how quickly it progresses and the ways in which it manifests. Over the last 12-18 months, Dad has also been getting more confused and has had short-term memory problems. It is already apparent, however, that his experience is different to Mum's, in that he is aware of, and sometimes becomes upset about, these issues. Mum mostly tootles along in blissful ignorance, with only the occasional comment that she feels she's having a 'confused' day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The most obvious signs of Mum's dementia are that she often tells us the same things over and over again in a short space of time, or repeatedly asks the same question. While this repetitiveness can be trying, what is even more frustrating to deal with is her apparent ability to make things vanish. Moving and hiding things, or completely losing them, is common in dementia, but Mum seems to have got this down to a fine art.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On one recent visit, I arrived just after the shopping had been delivered by one of their carers, so I helped put it away. I stashed one loaf of bread in the dedicated wooden bin and, due to lack of space, put the second next to it. An hour or so later, when I came to make lunch, this second one had vanished.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Where's that loaf that I left by the bread bin gone?' I asked Mum, somewhat pointlessly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Oh, I don't know, love,' she said, all wide-eyed innocence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I hunted for it through every cupboard and drawer in the room, but, to this day, I don't know where it went, as I opted not to search the rest of the house. It will probably turn up at the back of the airing cupboard - it was a large family-sized loaf, so not that easy to conceal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The next occasion I visited was when my sister, Alison, took Dad to hospital as a day patient for a cataract operation. I stayed at home with Mum and drafted her in to help me with some domestic chores, in a bid to distract her from Dad's absence.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I decided that we should first work our way around the house, room by room, identifying items for the wash and putting away anything clean that was in the wrong place - such as vests on the vegetable rack (it has happened).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking my eyes off a clean pillow case that I'd found, while I tried to determine the degree of dirtiness of one of Mum's tee shirts. I turned around to pick up the pillow case, only to find it had disappeared.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Mum, where's that pillow case gone?' I asked, already knowing the answer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Oh, I don't know, love,' she replied, though more bemused than innocent this time. 'I had it in my hand a minute ago.' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She may have admitted to being the culprit on this occasion, but, again, I have yet to find the missing case. With this new superpower, Mum could give David Blaine a run for his money. Never mind making the Statue of Liberty vanish, if he stood still long enough, she'd make him disappear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Meanwhile, Alison has been engaged in The Battle of the Brown Bin for weeks now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Understandably, Mum has great difficulty knowing which rubbish to put in which bin - a challenge even for those of us without dementia these days. The council had already taken away the recycling bin, at our request, but that still left the ordinary black one and the brown one for garden waste, which their gardener uses.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mum kept putting household rubbish in the brown bin, so Alison turned it around, to make it harder to open, and put a 'Do not use' sign on it - after first disposing of the pile of peas at the bottom of it. A week or so later, she found the sign in an empty plant pot and the bin being used for general rubbish again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She moved it further away, around the corner next to the shed...only to return a few days later to find that, although it was empty, it was once more beside the black bin. As of two days ago, she had put it back by the shed and we wait with bated breath to see where it turns up next.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Incidents such as this are an example of the kind of strategising you have to do to help somebody with dementia, whose behaviour can often be illogical and erratic. For the last six months, we've wracked our brains time and again to come up with solutions to far greater problems, such as Mum overdosing on her medication.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The dementia websites I've researched have loads of great ideas, but these don't work with every individual, so you have to be immensely creative and always take into account your loved one's personality. Mum was never particularly organised and has always been quite stubborn. We are, in the end, still dealing with Mum the person as much as her dementia!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The<a href="https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/" target="_blank"> Alzheimer's Society</a> is a great resource for all kinds of dementia and <a href="http://www.alzheimersresearchuk.org/" target="_blank">Alzheimer's Research UK</a> is also a very helpful organisation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-32239071587379303492017-02-12T21:15:00.000+00:002017-02-12T21:15:06.496+00:00Role reversal<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last summer, my sister and I became aware that our parents were no longer able to cope on their own. There were telltale - and in some instances, distressing - signs of this, both in their physical condition and around the house.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was a shocking realisation, even though they are both in their 80s. None of us likes to think about illness, decline and death and it is easy to remain in denial about it ever happening to our loved ones. However, the slide from managing to not managing can happen quickly, particularly when you're dealing with degenerative conditions: Parkinson's in Dad's case and early to mid stage Alzheimer's in Mum's.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My sister and I spent 2.5 hours on the phone one evening, discussing the problems that we'd observed and the kind of support we might arrange. The following morning, our parents' GP also called me to express his own concerns. 'We want to avoid a crisis,' he said.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We were too late for that. A few hours after that conversation, Dad was unexpectedly admitted to hospital, having lost the strength in his legs and been unable to stand up again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In fact, this hospital stay proved to be a blessing in disguise, as a care needs' assessment had to be conducted to prepare for his return home. Without that professional intervention, I'm sure it would have taken significantly longer to persuade our parents to accept help.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Morning and evening visits were established, to get Dad up, washed, dressed etc. It was a start, though my sister and I knew that much more was needed. 'In a few months, we'll have everything in place, they'll be settled in their new routine, and we'll be able to relax a bit,' we told each other. How naïve we were!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's only now, six months on, that we've reached some sort of stability, with much more help in the home - all self-funded, but with some supplied through the council and the rest sourced privately. Fortunately our parents have sufficient funds to enable us to supplement the minimal care package proposed following the local authority assessment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, you are often not only battling the system, but the very people that you are trying to support.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Initially Dad declined the evening carers' assistance when they turned up on the doorstep. 'They're in and out in 10 minutes,' he complained, completely missing the point that this saved an hour of him and Mum struggling to get him ready for bed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In fact, between his physical constraints and Mum's dementia, it's a wonder they ever got him sorted out. Mum moans at Dad for not helping himself more, because she's forgotten that he can't. Dad sends Mum off to get what he needs, and wonders why she comes back, a long time later, with either the wrong thing or nothing at all. If it weren't so tragic, it would be farcically hilarious. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Eventually their social worker decided that it would be better to stop the evening visits, as they were a waste of the carers' time. Only for Dad to have another 'wobbly legs' incident a few evenings later, with nobody but Mum there to rescue him. Cue a series of panicky phone calls, trying - and failing - to get those visits reinstated that same weekend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, I understand my parents' reluctance to agree to help. It's an admission that they're getting old. It signals a loss of independence, privacy and, to some extent, dignity. And it's frustrating and inconvenient to be waiting on others to facilitate your day-to-day life. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Dad huffily told me one day, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'We'd rather none of this were necessary.' So would we all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On the flip side, my sister and I couldn't continue to live with the stress and anxiety of knowing they were struggling and wondering what was going to go wrong next. Our primary concern was to keep them safe and comfortable - and at home - and if that meant being a little forceful on occasion, then so be it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's just another element of the parent/child role reversal coming into play. As children, our parents often made us do things we didn't want to, for our own good. So, while I seek to respect their wishes and avoid upsetting them, there is an element of <i>us</i> now knowing better and having to persuade<i> them</i> to do things for their own good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is a particular challenge with Mum, who is unaware she has dementia, and always thinks everything in the garden is rosy. During one phone call, she chirpily told me 'We're fine. We'd tell you if there were anything wrong.' I was feeling especially tired and irritable that day and couldn't stop myself from responding 'What, apart from the fact that you can't remember anything and Dad can hardly walk?' 'There is that,' she said, just as chirpily. It's easy to see how they fooled us into thinking they were managing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Caring for parents is something most adult children have to face sooner or later. Thankfully these days there is masses of information available online, covering everything from accessing social care and funding, to dealing with the mental and emotional impact of becoming a carer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.ageuk.org.uk/" target="_blank">Age UK</a> is a brilliant place to start - they have dozens of factsheets, as well as more detailed guidance, on every aspect of elderly care imaginable. <a href="http://www.independentage.org/" target="_blank">Independent Age</a> and <a href="http://www.whentheygetolder.co.uk/" target="_blank">When They Get Older</a> are also great resources. Be warned, though, you'll end up with a 6-inch high pile of reading, which can feel overwhelming. In that respect, some of the key things I've learned are:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Focus on solving the next most serious problems, ie those that are a question of health and safety, and put the rest on the back burner - your 'to do' list will never be done, so you have to prioritise.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Try to plan a little ahead, to prevent new, major issues arising - we've been on the back foot for most of the last six months and only now have the breathing space to do this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- However, don't 'pre-live the future'. When you look back, you'll be surprised at what you've dealt with and achieved, so try not to look forward in fear of what might happen and how you'll cope.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are all</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">s</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">tronger than we realise and the journey that my family is now on is proving that to me every day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-16319838880856376442017-01-22T16:25:00.000+00:002017-01-22T16:25:05.608+00:00A new direction<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The new year brings with it a new direction for this blog, which I'm excited to tell you about today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those of you who are regular readers will know that my sister and I have been occupied in supporting our ageing parents for the past 5-6 months. It has been a steep learning curve for both of us, as we've got to grips with their domestic and financial affairs, engaged for the first time with adult social services and explored care and funding options.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As time has worn on, my brain has begun to bubble with thoughts and feelings and experiences that I want to share. I've always been driven to write about events that are important or memorable to me, even if only as a record for myself or my family, for example being at the birth of my first nephew. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Such writing often also proves therapeutic. The focus required to corral my thoughts and to find the best words to express myself is a great distraction from day-to-day worries. The act of writing leaves no mental space for my usual anxieties, quite apart from the cathartic effect of putting things down in words.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, though, I wish to share what we're going through, and what we've learned so far, with the wider world. I'm well aware that our story is not unique - very far from it - but I've found that reading about other people's experiences has helped me and I feel compelled to add to that writing canon to assist others.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope you'll find what I have to say both interesting and useful. I'll be building on my resource links - below right on this page - with pointers to the best advice we've found on elderly care, funding and the like. Something to come back to at a later date, even if you don't need it at present.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also want to continue to inject humour into my writing. This is in no way intended to detract from the sometimes serious nature of the situation, but if you can't find something to laugh about when times are bad, life becomes intolerable. I learned this from the best: my late friend Nicki approached her terminal cancer diagnosis with a dark humour that was her way of coping - it is for many of us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There will, inevitably, still be a link to mental health. I <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2016_10_01_archive.html" target="_blank">wrote recently</a> about how the stress of my current circumstances has exacerbated various of my conditions; I expect that to continue in the future and for me to reflect on this in my posts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I look forward to starting this new writing journey in the next few weeks and I'd love you to join me on this slight detour from my usual blogging path.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the meantime, if you've come to this site seeking information or support on mental health issues, please do use the 'Search' facility - see below right - to find past posts on a wide variety of related subjects.</span><br />
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Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-78383717079240579542016-12-17T13:50:00.000+00:002016-12-18T12:45:32.394+00:00Good enough<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Her life's ambition is to figure out what "good enough" means' - so says my author biography. It's a goal I've been reflecting on a lot recently, as the year hurtles to an end and I look back on what I have - and haven't - achieved in 2016.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The trouble with being a perfectionist is that, whatever you accomplish, it never seems to be enough. I'm not ambitious in terms of career or money, but I am incredibly driven in other ways and give my all to any project I undertake.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, when I brought out my novel, it wasn't in the pursuit of fame or fortune, but to share my writing and my experience of mental health issues - albeit entirely fictionalised. In fact, I doubt I'll ever break even from my publishing journey! Especially given the way this year has panned out...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In January, I found myself unemployed after the conclusion of a temporary contract, but began a new part-time job in mid-April. The salary wasn't enough to manage on, but I planned to top it up with an unused redundancy payment and review my position when that ran out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Time was more important to me than money: I intended to devote my two days off mid-week to promoting my book and giving talks about living with OCD and anxiety. Mental health advocacy has become very important to me and is vital to raising awareness and reducing stigma.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Except, four months later, life intervened. Since August, my sister and I have devoted most of our spare time to supporting our parents, as a result of their declining health. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For every item we tick off our 'to do' list, another two replace it, and there is no end in sight to the constant problem-solving. In spite of my wish to do whatever it takes to help my parents, it has been frustrating to have to put my own life and plans on hold</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Feeling particularly gloomy one day, I decided to review my writing year up to August, to establish exactly what I had achieved. Amongst other things, I have:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Written 23 blog posts, totalling more than 12k words.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Given two author talks in local libraries and three about mental health for Barnet Council staff.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Delivered a 2-hour course on self-publishing at a writing conference - my first tutoring experience.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Got my book into four libraries in Barnet.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Recorded an <a href="http://www.barnet-tv.co.uk/programmes/health-wellbeing" target="_blank">interview</a> for Barnet TV.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And secured an <a href="https://www.bragmedallion.com/about/" target="_blank">indieBRAG</a> medallion award for my book and seven great reviews from book bloggers.</span></li>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShx_jYxHw1FDb_cWpuz6rGiSDSdBUFq2edGr6leIeLmTS8sSWpJp7j_hjQMjQi_qxVfrW9jeiv8bWruatnlovW_cfj33FjiSpONOfpPULey8Czk8e9vIJq447dDjBCqNhYt2phpPmxro/s1600/Talk+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShx_jYxHw1FDb_cWpuz6rGiSDSdBUFq2edGr6leIeLmTS8sSWpJp7j_hjQMjQi_qxVfrW9jeiv8bWruatnlovW_cfj33FjiSpONOfpPULey8Czk8e9vIJq447dDjBCqNhYt2phpPmxro/s320/Talk+3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">At the end of my talk at North Finchley Library</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And I don't think I've done enough?! I need to give myself a break.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I heard a quote once along the lines of 'When you die, there will still be things to do in your in-tray.' In other words, stop trying to do it all. I have nearly two weeks off over Christmas and the New Year, so what better time for me to put that advice into effect?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wishing you all a happy and restful festive season.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">* * *</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4o6Aw4t9SUcsE3UEiYUXI6MLYn8xgX-d_lpEmzjrDEjTM90LRKevs5ze1CLwITkH_BD1Aw1nD76V5BdRNxqPgbpFWTOQU-e51dwTVvocJNpFvEACJRCuMykzYsK4dYkq6Eb-DRaCgBuM/s1600/North+Finchley+Library+160205+%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4o6Aw4t9SUcsE3UEiYUXI6MLYn8xgX-d_lpEmzjrDEjTM90LRKevs5ze1CLwITkH_BD1Aw1nD76V5BdRNxqPgbpFWTOQU-e51dwTVvocJNpFvEACJRCuMykzYsK4dYkq6Eb-DRaCgBuM/s200/North+Finchley+Library+160205+%25282%2529.JPG" width="112" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">My novel waiting to be shelved<br />at North Finchley Library</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you'd like to help kick start my advocacy work in 2017, why not buy a copy of my book for yourself, or your family and friends? - see my </span><a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/p/novel.html" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">'Novel'</a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> page for purchasing options. And don't forget, a book is not just for Christmas! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Please do also post a review, on whichever is your preferred forum - Amazon, Goodreads etc - to help spread the word.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You can check out all my news from 2016 <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/p/news.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-48318101159732695062016-11-17T17:25:00.000+00:002016-11-17T17:25:00.161+00:00Eye strain<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Occasionally I'm stricken by health anxiety, though this rarely slides into fully-blown hypochondria - fortunately for both me and my doctor! I only ever seek help for actual, rather than imagined, symptoms, and usually manage to stop obsessing about them as soon as a medical professional has provided reassurance or a diagnosis. It's the uncertainty of not knowing that I can't stand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, when I noticed an intermittent blurry patch in my left eye, I immediately booked a check-up at my opticians. This blurriness coincided with the appearance of a larger than usual 'floater' in that eye and I thought they might be connected - <a href="http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/floaters/Pages/Introduction.aspx" target="_blank">floaters</a> are lines or spots that drift across your vision, caused by tiny bits of debris floating about in the vitreous humour and casting shadows on the retina.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I fully expected the optician to tell me that there was nothing wrong, however, at the end of the examination, she said, 'Well, I can see a white patch on the retina, but I don't know if it's new or if you've always had it. It might be a retinal tear.'</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8UO5TQdHPacT92ozCgeW1PHvDDu8J-zMC-GZp9XDk2-iSnwlJm43t-UtNe6m7aNBUAdgLgjp1S6sD1JqLSDsZazDnKnF4PMK8GAhXvAtJx-QjH9L9BwA6uZpjrMtYEWvP_VY2_6Hrpf4/s1600/Blue+eye+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="116" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8UO5TQdHPacT92ozCgeW1PHvDDu8J-zMC-GZp9XDk2-iSnwlJm43t-UtNe6m7aNBUAdgLgjp1S6sD1JqLSDsZazDnKnF4PMK8GAhXvAtJx-QjH9L9BwA6uZpjrMtYEWvP_VY2_6Hrpf4/s320/Blue+eye+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Pixabay</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My heart pounded.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'I'll give you a letter to take to the hospital today,' she continued.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Today!' That must mean it was really bad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Or tomorrow,' she said. 'This weekend, anyway.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe not really bad, but definitely not good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As instructed, I set off straightaway to make the Tube trip into central London, to the walk-in centre at Moorfields Eye Hospital.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Amazingly, the place was heaving. It looked as if half of Greater London had gone to the opticians that afternoon and been despatched for further tests. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The electronic information board provided updates as to how many were in the final waiting area - always around 21 or 22 - and, at 8.35pm, stated that 188 people had been seen that day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was some small consolation that I wasn't the only one whose Saturday had been ruined and at least I was spared the 4 hour 58 minute wait that the board threatened when I arrived.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For the whole 3 hours that I was there, however, my heart was racing with anxiety as to what might be wrong. With everything that has been going on with <span id="goog_152652187"></span><a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/going-pro.html" target="_blank">my family</a> of late<span id="goog_152652188"></span>, I couldn't afford downtime for an operation. And what if it was worse than that? - what if I had a condition leading to sight loss?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">With no one to talk to and nothing to distract me, all I could do </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">was worry.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, though, I was summoned in to see the consultant and, less than five minutes later, given the all-clear. I practically danced home, in spite of my exhaustion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The experience helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, I am under huge stress at the moment, but at least I have good health and am in a position to support my parents.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I often talk in my blog posts about 'lessons learned' and one of my followers recently asked if I retain those lessons. The sad truth is that, no, I don't. Before long, I inevitably find something else to worry about. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Perhaps, then, it's a good thing that life keeps throwing me curveballs - it seems I need these regular wake-up calls to remind me just how lucky I really am.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-11414991948990794172016-10-20T13:30:00.000+01:002016-11-17T17:00:55.900+00:00Catalogue of woes<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A month on from writing about my stress over my parents' declining health, it's become apparent that the last few weeks have turned my situation into a microcosm of this blog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's as if I'd received the secret instruction 'Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to demonstrate to your readers as many of your issues as you can in as short a space of time as possible.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Firstly, and almost inevitably, there has been an exacerbation of my OCD, as any distressing event is liable to have this effect. Increasing my ordering compulsions creates an illusion of certainty and control in largely uncertain and uncontrollable circumstances. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Coming a close second is a flare-up of my generalised anxiety. These days, my body seems to be in a state of almost constant 'fight or flight'. Not only is my mind buzzing with worry, but I'm also experiencing the classic physical symptoms - mainly heart palpitations, a churning stomach and a sporadic loss of appetite. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even my tendency towards <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/less-is-more.html" target="_blank">obsessive-compulsive spartanism</a> - the opposite of hoarding - has reared its head again. When I cleaned my flat last week, it was all I could do not to throw away a whole heap of stuff in the process. I always find getting rid of things cleansing: it's as if I'm making space in my brain as well as my home. Fortunately I managed to avoid binning anything important.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxX6nK-UF9zuke99t7i58MzK-Cm3CgV7Y8KiiuslYIQfCgN4Si9JQPsj8Neycvi1nljgg2omHvLeI95QsFNXYTaYxZSZ1i25pthtxQRztxHYNpGOjL1Z_Tt-vYxSklir6J1zp03u7WgDM/s1600/artur84.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxX6nK-UF9zuke99t7i58MzK-Cm3CgV7Y8KiiuslYIQfCgN4Si9JQPsj8Neycvi1nljgg2omHvLeI95QsFNXYTaYxZSZ1i25pthtxQRztxHYNpGOjL1Z_Tt-vYxSklir6J1zp03u7WgDM/s320/artur84.jpg" width="211" /></a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of artur84/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Worst of all, however, has been the escalation of my </span><a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/cant-sleep-wont-sleep.html" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">insomnia</a><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">. Even if I get to sleep quickly, the moment I wake in the night, my heart is racing. Before my mind has time to pick a worry to focus on, my body is on the case - it knows I'm anxious even when I'm asleep, which is reflected in the troubling dreams that make any rest I do get unrefreshing. Once awake, it can be up to an hour before I settle again. Multiply that by two or three times a night and it's no wonder I spend my days feeling like a zombie.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In addition, I've always had a propensity to tears - I've written previously about how some of us are '<a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/cry-baby.html" target="_blank">highly sensitive people</a>' - and tiredness only makes me more fragile. Barely a day goes by now when I don't cry at least once. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The only respite from the mess in my head has been the couple of occasions when I've drunk slightly too much wine and inadvertently achieved a pleasant state of relaxation. However, I know self-medication is no solution. In a <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/over-limit.html" target="_blank">post last year</a>, I expressed my concerns about that 'treatment' and, once again, I find myself having to make a conscious effort not to tread that path.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have, at least, rediscovered sudoku puzzles, which I found to be a great distraction <a href="https://helenbarbour.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/mind-games.html" target="_blank">earlier this year</a>, but had stopped doing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But puzzles are not enough. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Reflecting on all of this, I've realised that I can't afford to wait for the cognitive behavioural therapy I've been promised, as that's likely to be at least three months away. I'll end up having a full-scale breakdown without some earlier intervention. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So I'm considering paying privately for neuro-linguistic programming and/or hynotherapy sessions and also plan to seek - somewhat reluctantly - a prescription for sleeping pills.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the meantime, I'd love to hear if any of these options have helped those of you who've experienced similar issues?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-5997281130341997382016-09-21T13:15:00.000+01:002016-09-21T13:15:29.522+01:00Going pro<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of cbenjasuwan/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A couple of weeks ago, I did something that I haven't done in decades: I sought professional help for my mental health issues - specifically, my generalised anxiety.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those of you who regularly read my blog will know two things about me. The first is that, every now and again, I experience a period of exceptionally high anxiety, more often than not over some anticipated problem, rather than an actual crisis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The second is that I've got by with little professional help - just one short course of treatment from an occupational therapist more than 20 years ago, when my OCD first took hold.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although I've read a lot of books and online resources, I've never properly tackled my anxiety. My default approach is to grit my teeth and drag myself through difficult times hour by hour, managing to hang on only because I know I've survived them before.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The reason I'm seeking help now is that there's no end in sight to my current stress, as the cause is my parents' declining health and corresponding difficulty in managing on their own. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sister lives half an hour's drive away from them, so does what she can on the ground, while I - being 100+ miles away - have tried to make myself useful with research on care options, funding, Power of Attorney and so on. It's a steep learning curve, but being proactive and getting informed creates an illusion of control amidst all the worry, sadness and frustration.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tearfully telling a friend about it all, I said 'I feel such a wuss. I mean, everybody goes through this, don't they?' 'Yes,' she said, 'but everybody goes through it with tears and anxiety.' A friend once again being kinder to me than I am to myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She's right, of course, just because everybody goes through it, doesn't make it any easier at an individual level. In the same way, everybody experiences bereavement, but that doesn't make your own losses any more bearable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having closely followed this year's Paralympics, it occurs to me that, likewise, you wouldn't expect somebody who had lost an arm in an accident to take it in their stride just because millions of other people are amputees!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I found myself wailing to another friend 'I can't imagine ever feeling happy or relaxed again', I realised that I needed to do something; I had to arm myself with some proper tools to cope.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After my GP had listened to my woes and my response to them - or, at least, what she could hear of it all through the sniffing and the crying - she said, 'I had another patient in almost exactly the same position and cognitive behavioural therapy [CBT] really helped'. I left the surgery with a self-referral form for the Mind Matters Barnet service.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJacWNaEjT4bsNug1OVluN0o1M4R6vwD7zQdnJvOq070NsSxX3xaSUBavuX5WfsND1kdUyxaJoGpMViIlwO4qq3zarAQ6ZkZc530in9QpN5stOHDIB8-z1Vh8AU3mKJnnloAj2qPLkvE/s1600/Form.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJacWNaEjT4bsNug1OVluN0o1M4R6vwD7zQdnJvOq070NsSxX3xaSUBavuX5WfsND1kdUyxaJoGpMViIlwO4qq3zarAQ6ZkZc530in9QpN5stOHDIB8-z1Vh8AU3mKJnnloAj2qPLkvE/s320/Form.JPG" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The form is largely taken up by an Anxiety and Depression Questionnaire, which asks how often you feel, for example, 'Little interest or pleasure in doing things' and 'Down, depressed, or hopeless'. I scored a lot of 3s, ie 'Nearly every day'. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A telephone assessment quickly followed, once again accompanied, on my part, by sniffing and crying that rendered me almost incoherent at times. A few days later, I was told that I had been approved for CBT...but that there was a four month waiting list.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, in the meantime, it's back to the teeth-gritting and getting through life hour by hour - with just the tiniest of lights visible at the end of the tunnel.</span><br />
<br />Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-56982204556675166622016-08-17T12:20:00.000+01:002016-08-17T12:20:07.653+01:00Anxiety on wheels<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Driving is one of those apparently straightforward day-to-day activities that causes me anxiety for a whole host of reasons.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My biggest fear is the perhaps rather obvious one of being involved in a crash, though this generally only rears its head when I'm on roads where high speeds are permitted. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The main issue is my lack of control over the vehicles around me - I'm worried not only about other drivers' competence (or lack thereof), but also the risk of mechanical failure that might send tonnes of metal hurtling into my path.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It doesn't help that my car - a striking copper-coloured Micra - is nearly 19-years-old and only has a 1 litre engine. I can't even overtake speedily, let alone nip out of the way of trouble.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Up until the beginning of this month, I hadn't driven on a motorway in more than 18 months, although I had often been on busy - sometimes 3-lane - A roads. This was due to circumstance, rather than avoidance, but I was starting to worry that I would lose my nerve completely, if I didn't get in some practice.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of pakorn/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it happened, I had to travel to the Midlands a couple of weeks ago and I was nervous as I set off on my journey of 100 miles or so up the M1.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once in the flow of fast-moving traffic, I was plagued by visions of doom. I imagined every high-sided lorry that passed toppling onto my car and crushing me. I expected a tyre to blow out, or my engine to fail, at any moment. And every time the traffic slowed and began to bunch up, I envisioned a multi-vehicle pile-up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, I couldn't help thinking of the neighbour whose car was written off, when a wheel came off a lorry on the opposite carriageway and bounced across the barrier onto her car bonnet. She and her passengers escaped with minor injuries, but it could have been a different story, had the wheel landed a split second later, on the roof.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's this kind of unpredictability that those of us with OCD find hard to deal with. We seek comfort in compulsions that give a sense of control and seem to establish a degree of certainty over our environment and our lives. Certainty is an unachievable target, however, and trying to carry out compulsions while driving is likely to be counterproductive!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Other anxieties also come into play when I'm driving. Every time I smell smoke or burning, I assume it's a problem with my car. The same goes for any unusual noise. A couple of days ago, as I parked up, I noticed that my engine was 'roaring' - only to get out of the car and realise the sound was coming from a motorbike further up the road.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As an anxiety sufferer, my senses are on permanent high alert for problems, whatever the situation, but I've become even more nervous about my car, now that it's so old. My recent journey 'up north' has, at least, helped me to regain some degree of confidence on motorways. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I very much appreciate the convenience and freedom that driving affords me. Those benefits more than make up for all the associated anxieties: as is so often the case, facing your fears definitely has its rewards.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-58072211691690593512016-07-20T14:10:00.000+01:002016-07-20T14:10:04.739+01:00Brexiety<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of blackzheep/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While I wouldn't wish OCD on anybody, if I see someone experiencing similar anxieties and responses in a non-OCD context, I welcome this as an opportunity to raise awareness of the condition by drawing parallels to 'normal' life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Take, for instance, reaction to the recent EU referendum. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I live in London, where the vote was in favour of 'Remain', and everybody I know was devastated by the result. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The ensuing uncertainty about this nation's future was - and still is - the cause of most people's distress. And uncertainty is something that those with OCD find difficult, if not impossible, to tolerate. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's that inability to tolerate the unknown that leads to compulsions such as excessive hand-washing, to avoid contamination and illness, or repeatedly checking the front door is locked, to prevent a burglary. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The disorder causes a myriad of other less well-known behaviours, many of which appear utterly illogical, having no basis in common sense or practicality. We all wash for sanitary reasons and lock up for security, but most of us don't, for example, feel compelled to perform actions a set number of times.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">So how does all of this translate to the EU referendum result? </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the immediate aftermath, the government's silence as to the way forward fuelled anxieties. One colleague repeatedly said - almost wailed - 'What's the plan? Why hasn't anybody told us what they're going to do?' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A week or so after the result, she circulated an email with a link to a petition to 'Prosecute Nigel Farage* under the Racial and Religious Hatred Act 2006'. Now clearly this petition wasn't going to provide clarity as to our future, but as she said 'I know there are so many [petitions] at the moment. I think signing them might be helping my feelings of helplessness.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She wasn't the only one. People across the country have been driven to take action - any kind of action - to regain some sense of control. The uncertainty is just too great to sit idly by waiting for something to happen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There's a very clear parallel between how all of these people are feeling and reacting in the wake of the referendum and how those with OCD feel and react on a day to day basis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so how was I faring in all of this? - surprisingly well, as it turned out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My ordering compulsions are often triggered by distressing events on the world stage and I was certainly upset by the result. However, within a few days, I had resigned myself to it, concluding that there was little I could do to change things. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I admit, I was quite surprised by this response, as I frequently worry about things I can't change. When I reflected on it, though, I realised that those anxieties are generally about situations where I can, at least, imagine the possible outcomes and consequences, such as, say, my car passing or failing its MOT.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In relation to 'Brexit', I don't know what all of the repercussions will be and, as a result, there's no clear focus for my anxiety. The uncertainty is just so huge that it's beyond comprehension and so - perhaps strangely - I've been able to stop worrying about it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you also now feel helpless and anxious in the face of an uncertain future, I'd ask you to spare a thought for those of us who live with that constant tyranny. It's really no fun at all, is it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">* * *</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*Former leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party, who fought for the country to leave the EU for years.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-56890685666757488602016-06-16T12:35:00.000+01:002016-06-16T12:35:00.197+01:00Madam Speaker<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Public speaking is an activity that fills many people with dread, not just those of an anxious nature. My own fear has its origins in an incident that took place when I was 17-years-old. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At my secondary school, the upper sixth-form pupils had to take it in turns to read a bible passage at the lower school assembly. This meant joining the head teacher up on the stage, in front of hundreds of 11 to 14-year-olds. As a teenager, I was an introvert and the last thing I wanted was to be centre of attention. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We were given no guidance as to how to deal with this challenge and by the time I stood up to deliver my reading, my heart was racing; my voice trembled so much that I was almost unintelligible. That experience was a poor foundation for handling similar situations in the future.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So intense is my dislike of speaking in public that I even avoid asking questions in group settings, unless I absolutely have to. Then I become so dizzy with nerves that I barely register the answer anyway.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not much better in social environments. While I love to chat and to make people laugh, I can only cope with an audience of up to three. If a lull in surrounding conversations means more than that tune in to mine, I'm instantly uncomfortable. I'd be a great stand-up comedian, if only I could hold all my gigs in a wardrobe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However, as a writer, giving talks is a great way to raise your profile and promote your work, so it was something I had to face. Not least because I also wanted to share my experience of living with obsessive-compulsive disorder, in order to raise awareness and to help address the ongoing stigma around mental health.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW0BnrWV_oR31JIGlT7Kih6CfZc8ilEuxHn9BFi0aFh8TtqUaY9Z9pqiPwVCkjca3Opdcu-phDrUjpyh98FDOnHhJ6WTP9oUFCRTTqJTAclyM2NqHGbGbH_PZu41RRUdhB-nBjXjLk0Rs/s1600/Talk+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW0BnrWV_oR31JIGlT7Kih6CfZc8ilEuxHn9BFi0aFh8TtqUaY9Z9pqiPwVCkjca3Opdcu-phDrUjpyh98FDOnHhJ6WTP9oUFCRTTqJTAclyM2NqHGbGbH_PZu41RRUdhB-nBjXjLk0Rs/s320/Talk+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first couple of talks, at local libraries, were as nerve-wracking as I'd expected. I had to put my glass of water on a shelf behind me, so that nobody could see my hand shaking when I took a sip. However, they seemed to go well and I received a good reception at both.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last month, I gave three presentations for staff at my local council, to mark Mental Health Awareness Week, and was surprised to find that my anticipatory nerves had gone. By the time it came to the second, I was actively looking forward to the event.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All the usual speakers' tips had failed to calm me previously, so what had changed? My increasing familiarity with my material probably helped, but I think the key factor was the positive response to my earlier talks. Now, at least, I was going in with the confidence that my audience wouldn't be bored rigid.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At every event, I've ended up chatting to people who either have a mental health problem themselves or know somebody who does. It's rewarding to be able to steer them in the direction of appropriate resources, or just to reassure them that they're not alone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And I'm grateful that overcoming one of my anxiety demons means I can now do more to help others tackle their issues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-35763470346221164572016-05-19T13:35:00.000+01:002016-05-19T13:35:06.360+01:00Solitary confinement<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">When my last temporary assignment finished a week before Christmas, I resolved to give myself a month off before looking for permanent work. Fortunately, I received a job offer two months later and took up a new role three weeks after that.</span><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Altogether, then, I was at home for just under four months - and the experience nearly sent me over the edge mentally.</span><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">The downslide began soon after I signed on. In the past, I've been short-listed for almost every job I've applied for and haven't been rejected for any that I really wanted, ie post interview. Now the only response to most of my applications was resounding silence.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Understandably, my stress levels rose, in spite of the fact that I had sufficient funds to tide me over for several months. My main concern was that my age might have catapulted me onto the employment shelf. And so long as I was out of work, I felt in limbo and unable to move on with the next phase of my life, which was immensely frustrating.</span><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">As the weeks passed, all sorts of old anxieties resurfaced - and were joined by new ones on a daily basis. I ricocheted from one obsessive thought to another with no let-up. People talk about losing their minds and that was exactly how it felt. It seemed as if mine had become a separate entity, with my thoughts running amok like a bunch of crazed </span><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087363/" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">Gremlins</a><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This period coincided with a sudden growth in my boyfriend's pet-sitting and dog-walking <a href="http://www.carefreepetsitting.co.uk/" target="_blank">business</a>, which meant he was working seven days a week. We live in different parts of London, so our time together dwindled almost to vanishing point.<br /><br />Not only had I lost my work routine, but also my weekend one, and, as a result, all the associated people contact. I didn't see much of my friends, either, as I felt unable to relax and socialise when I didn't have a job. Often days went by when my only face-to-face human contact was with supermarket cashiers - and with Aldi's high-speed service, even that was fleeting.<br /><br />I became aware that being home alone so much was contributing to my mental decline; I simply had too much time to think. Although I've always been happy in my own company, and never short of projects to occupy me (even when not job-hunting), I began to feel very isolated.<br /><br />I'm now in the sixth week of my new part-time position, which means I'm out of the house for at least three days a week, which has definitely improved my mental state. In addition, learning new processes has occupied my brain to the extent that there's no room for my usual anxieties - at least, not while I'm at work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Isolation is often a feature of mental health conditions and my recent experience has shown me how that isolation can actually make such conditions worse.</span><div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YB0UadCQgIf9RR9gRKFtJ7l2qu87mh2qu8O7fvkb-AAQeaqcLCMeirYbSLVfNDn6g-PtuAs4e6MRAf8i9sSEW9j45ROG2hV5n0f_8wU6kILJxyGaKLG-sw6NCJyNDptPu4b0mlsBVq8/s1600/Hands+reaching+through+jail+bars+-+sakhorn38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YB0UadCQgIf9RR9gRKFtJ7l2qu87mh2qu8O7fvkb-AAQeaqcLCMeirYbSLVfNDn6g-PtuAs4e6MRAf8i9sSEW9j45ROG2hV5n0f_8wU6kILJxyGaKLG-sw6NCJyNDptPu4b0mlsBVq8/s320/Hands+reaching+through+jail+bars+-+sakhorn38.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of sakhorn38/</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course, it takes great effort and courage to break out of that situation, especially if you suffer from, say, depression or social anxiety. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">However, whether that break-out means securing a job, taking up a volunteering role, or just arranging to see a friend for coffee, the pay-off is definitely worth it.</span><br />
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Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-66267964101525674532016-05-04T11:40:00.000+01:002016-05-04T11:40:07.261+01:00We've got talent<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I spent a couple of months unemployed earlier this year and became very despondent at the initial lack of response to my job applications.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On reflection, it's likely that this was because I was targeting administrative positions in schools, for which competition is fierce and where preference is, naturally, given to those with past experience in that environment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My job centre advisor, however, asked me if I thought age discrimination was at play. Although that hadn't occurred to me, I had been speculating as to whether my mental health status was to blame.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I mention both my blog and my novel on my CV and in applications, as I feel my writing achievements demonstrate some good skills and personal qualities. Anybody checking out my website or my book would quickly get an insight into my 'issues'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Eventually, I began receiving invitations to interview and I made reference to having OCD at all three that I attended; later I wondered if that contributed to the first two rejections. However, these were also for school jobs and feedback on one second place outcome was that it was due to my lack of experience within education.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It would, in fact, be hard for me to conceal the truth of my situation. An internet search of my name - a common practice amongst employers these days - would soon throw up the same information as I choose to share.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Given my relatively high profile online, an employer would inevitably find out about my background sooner or later, and if they don't like it, then we're probably not the right fit for each other anyway.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All kinds of health conditions can lead to talented people being overlooked, as the BBC programme <i>Employable Me</i> demonstrated. This three-part documentary series focussed on five men and one woman, who all had disorders that were impossible to hide face to face: <a href="http://www.tourettes.action.org.uk/" target="_blank">Tourette syndrome</a>, <a href="http://www.autism.org.uk/" target="_blank">autism and Asperger syndrome</a>, which is a form of autism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For these individuals, job-hunting had proved a soul-destroying experience and most had failed ever to secure an interview. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yet tests revealed they all had astonishing talents that could easily be put to good use in the right setting. Happily there was a positive outcome for each of them, either in terms of identifying a suitable career direction or in finding work.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many of us have great skills to offer because our brains are wired differently, whether these skills are directly related to our condition or not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In my case, I'm extremely well organised and have an excellent eye for detail, which may have developed as a result of my OCD - which is focussed on order and symmetry - or vice versa. Either way, these abilities are part and parcel of my slightly unusual make-up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For others, simply experiencing a mental illness - or any other challenging health condition - gives them a greater empathy for their fellow human beings, which can be helpful in a variety of work environments.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Employers will never know what they're missing unless they give a chance to those of us who are a little different.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-23481900853596562122016-04-04T13:10:00.000+01:002016-04-04T13:10:06.594+01:00A new beginning<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4o84A9OLzGigYDTtGa6XpckIZV51OFdj51beDbFZb150qfYpQelwkbzKOkZ4woAYFjp34fvTIU4LL7vM8jbuEf8rVe5zDIKLBwftXTk-5GEUW64LKnD4EzMyxoUvIAPqfvR2fwwwmkss/s1600/One+candle+no.+3+-+Stuart+Miles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4o84A9OLzGigYDTtGa6XpckIZV51OFdj51beDbFZb150qfYpQelwkbzKOkZ4woAYFjp34fvTIU4LL7vM8jbuEf8rVe5zDIKLBwftXTk-5GEUW64LKnD4EzMyxoUvIAPqfvR2fwwwmkss/s200/One+candle+no.+3+-+Stuart+Miles.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This post is another landmark one for me, as it heralds not just an anniversary, but also the end of an era and a new beginning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On 8 April 2013, I launched <i>The Reluctant Perfectionist</i> with a piece called 'Straighten It Like Beckham' and resolved to publish an article every Monday from then on. Today rounds off three years of weekly posts, delivered through life's rain, shine and sometimes boulder-sized hailstones.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the years, I've written not only about OCD, anxiety and perfectionism, as I'd intended, but a whole host of other conditions, such as body dysmorphic disorder, compulsive skin picking, spartanism and misophonia. I've also discussed the impact of world events, such as the Paris terror attacks, and covered television documentaries and reality shows featuring mental health.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Writing these pieces has been a reflective process, which has taught me a lot about myself and my behaviours, as well as providing me with the opportunity to interact with people from all over the world who are undergoing similar experiences.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">During this time, it's been great to see the profile of mental health being raised, particularly in the political arena, with movements like the Equality for Mental Health campaign - led by MP Norman Lamb - gaining a huge amount of support. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Having reached this milestone, I've made the difficult decision to stop posting weekly. My perfectionist nature wants me to keep going - and going and going - but I know that the time will inevitably come when I miss my target for reasons beyond my control. I prefer to stop while I have both an unbroken record and three complete years of posts under my belt. It feels so much tidier, and more satisfying, than giving up after, say, three years, four months and two weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, 157 posts and 81,382 words on - a novel's worth, in fact! - it's time for a change.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In future, I plan to post at least once a month, but not on a set day or week - quite a radical departure for someone like me, who loves routine and order and structure. It feels a little scary, but also liberating. If you want to be sure never to miss a post, you can sign up to receive these by email - see the top of the menu bar to the right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'll be keeping the other pages of my website up-to-date, so look out for future events and book news. And if you're an individual wanting information, or an organisation or member of the press seeking an interview or a guest post/article, please do contact me at helenbarbourblog@gmail.com.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I toyed with the idea of giving up blogging altogether, but I know I'll have information and stories to share with you in the future and I wouldn't want to 'retire' and then, like some ageing rock star, make a shuffling and embarrassed comeback.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The timing is perfect for another reason: I have finally found a new part-time job, which I begin next week, so it's an ideal moment to redirect my energies into promoting my novel and securing more paid writing work.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wish me luck - and I'll see you in May!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You can use the 'Search this blog' facility in the menu bar to the right to find posts on any of the topics mentioned above.</span><br />
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Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-35520524697574854152016-03-28T17:15:00.000+01:002016-03-28T17:15:00.719+01:00Nothing personal<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One factor that undoubtedly exacerbates my anxiety and stress levels is that I'm inclined to take negative experiences personally, even when these affect a far wider audience.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's say, for example, that I plan to attend an open-air theatre performance. Ahead of this, I'll obsessively check the forecast, fearful of bad weather spoiling the event. And, sure enough, it pours down on the day in question - which is no surprise really, given that rain is the default meteorological condition on our sodden little island.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nevertheless, I'll moan to myself about why this had to happen today of all days, as I perch on my protective plastic bag and huddle under an umbrella. Why did my evening have to be ruined like this?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>My</i> evening - as if Mother Nature had specifically targeted me. Never mind the actors on stage exposed to the elements or the rest of the audience shivering in the damp and cold; I'm the only one who's really suffering. Or so it seems. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Aduldej/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of my all-time favourite films is <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120382/" target="_blank">The Truman Show</a></i>, in which Jim Carrey stars as Truman Burbank, the unwitting star of a reality show that has tracked his life since birth. Unbeknownst to him, he's living on a massive studio set, surrounded by actors, and everything that happens in the 'town' of Seahaven Island revolves around him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I sometimes seem to labour under a similar illusion that everything revolves around me. What do I really imagine, though? - that the equivalent of <i>The Truman Show</i>'s producer, Christof, is orchestrating my life down to the last raindrop? That would be a strange view to hold, considering I have no religion and don't believe in fate.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I only came to the realisation of this selfish, inward-looking approach when I got caught in a traffic jam on the way to visit my parents a couple of years ago. 'Not again,' I thought, as my stress levels began to rise. 'Why does this always happen to me?' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With nothing else to distract me, I began scanning the other cars on the motorway. As I looked at the occupants of those cars, I registered that this wasn't just happening to me, it was happening to thousands of other people: there were hundreds of vehicles both in front of and behind mine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And many of these people were undoubtedly in a far worse predicament than I was: perhaps travelling with a baby or an elderly and infirm relative, or with a plane to catch or a wedding to get to. Suddenly I felt stupid for taking this unexpected delay so personally. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In spite of that epiphany, I still frequently fail to see the bigger picture when faced with an unfortunate turn of events. Those of us of an anxious disposition spend so much time inside our own heads that it can be hard to look outward. Hard, put simply, to prevent that anxiety from making us utterly self-centred. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All I really need to remember is that there are more than <a href="http://www.worldometers.info/world-population" target="_blank">7 billion</a> people on this planet - it is categorically <i>not</i> all about me, me, me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">* * *</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8_XFtTJfUQ" target="_blank">clip</a> from <i>The Truman Show</i>, in which the studio's rain machine briefly malfunctions and the rain falls only on Truman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-32125844891030363412016-03-21T12:35:00.000+00:002016-03-21T12:35:06.390+00:00Uncertain times<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Back in January, I found myself looking for a new job for the first time in more than 7 years, which proved to be a task with special challenges for a perfectionist with obsessive-compulsive disorder.<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The
first was fighting the temptation to spend an inordinate amount of time
on every application. Yes, these required care and attention if I were
to stand a chance of being short-listed for interview. No, it should not
take two days to complete each one - could not, in fact, given that I
was actually unemployed and needed to pursue as many opportunities as
possible.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Once
I'd despatched an application, the next difficulty was the waiting.
Many employers don't respond unless you're short-listed, but how do you
know when to give up hope? Most don't indicate time frames for their
recruitment process and, even when they do, these often slip, so it's
difficult to know where you stand.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">OCD
is a condition characterised by a need for certainty, so I found this
indefinite waiting hard to tolerate. And never mind messing with
my head, it messed with my filing systems, too - how could I be sure
when to move the related documentation from the 'Current' sub-folder to
the 'Unsuccessful' one?</span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even
if employers do tell you 'Thanks, but no thanks', they don't have time
to explain why, which becomes a new grating uncertainty</span></span></span>.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Calls
to interview can create problems, too, as these sometimes come at very
short notice. I was summoned to my first with less than 24 hours'
warning, leaving me with a single afternoon and evening to review the
entire internet and prepare an answer for every conceivable question
they might ask. Because, of course, that's what the perfectionist in me
dictated I should do.</span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fortunately,
three websites into my research, I realised that there was a lot of
commonality across the different lists of 'Top 10 Interview Questions',
with only a few rogue entries. Mind you, these included the following:
'If you were an animal, what kind would you be?' Great, now they expect
an indecisive perfectionist to make a choice from the entire animal
kingdom. </span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuoq6OK1QyRMH54evrEq9-Lji-uvElfl3Vc2Nhrl6fMKNgWLSWeqJMqaP29WGfDCyYkgaioP4YTVclIvokm0DpRJgHQSey5IZKSmEZYL1VDkeHD2pTYQa9T1eaZcSeRj4umK3sU8mn1j0/s1600/Three+chimps+-+M+-+Pics.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuoq6OK1QyRMH54evrEq9-Lji-uvElfl3Vc2Nhrl6fMKNgWLSWeqJMqaP29WGfDCyYkgaioP4YTVclIvokm0DpRJgHQSey5IZKSmEZYL1VDkeHD2pTYQa9T1eaZcSeRj4umK3sU8mn1j0/s320/Three+chimps+-+M+-+Pics.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of M - Pics/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the end, I plonked for a chimp, because they're smart, inquisitive and playful - and then remembered a natural history programme I'd seen in which a group of chimps hunted down a smaller monkey and tore it apart limb from limb. What might that say about me? I'd run out of time to worry. <br /><br />Post-interview is no better. <br /><br />Many people who suffer from OCD go over and over conversations in their head, analysing, for example, if they might have upset somebody, or if they could have expressed themselves better. Interviews are rocket fuel for this kind of rumination...especially when you then find out you didn't get the job. <br /><br />You can't help wondering if the vague reason they give you - 'Another candidate had more experience' - is true or whether you somehow messed up. And so you ruminate on and on.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Happily, since first drafting this post, I've secured a position - as of three days ago, actually - which meant changing all the verbs from the present to the past tense in this final version! A new job brings new uncertainties, of course, but right now I'm just relieved to be released from the particular traumas of job hunting.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-14198316735465345832016-03-14T13:00:00.000+00:002016-03-14T13:00:28.853+00:00Door to stress<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although I've lived with anxiety all my life, sometimes I surprise even myself with what I find to stress about. The latest unlikely focus for my concern was the door between my living room and kitchen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I was getting ready for bed, at around midnight, I noticed that the screws securing the handle plate to the wood were loose. The repair could have waited until the morning, but I hate leaving jobs undone, so fished a screwdriver out from under the sink.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once I'd tightened the screws, I turned the handle to test it...only to discover it was emitting a horrible grinding noise. I loosened the screws a little, but it made no difference; the internal mechanism sounded as if it were about to seize up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mind raced ahead to worst-case scenario: the door would jam shut and I'd have to call someone in to repair it, which would cost a fortune. They were bound to make an mess <i>and </i>they'd have to replace the handle with one that didn't match the rest. These wild imaginings did have some grounds, mind you: I know of two people who have had internal doors become stuck shut.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw-w7zt8qKfhCaPHw2ZzcCeqoIKisIHxNozbCnF907tyl3PzqMSrrmM3FQ7YgR0JmhrjGLG8uurmntoZDm91GvHN-jAO3qkuUrrT-vOAEi82dAe04wa2ZC5dXs0andY58Jnmim9yVHI0Q/s1600/Open+white+door+-+nattavut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw-w7zt8qKfhCaPHw2ZzcCeqoIKisIHxNozbCnF907tyl3PzqMSrrmM3FQ7YgR0JmhrjGLG8uurmntoZDm91GvHN-jAO3qkuUrrT-vOAEi82dAe04wa2ZC5dXs0andY58Jnmim9yVHI0Q/s320/Open+white+door+-+nattavut.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of nattavut/FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The only way I might avoid all of that inconvenience was to tackle it myself - and immediately. Back I went under the sink for a can of WD40 spray: 'an answer for every challenge' say the <a href="http://wd40.com/" target="_blank">manufacturers</a>, though opinions seem to differ as to appropriate uses, so don't try this at home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After much experimentation - and dripping and mopping up with copious amounts of kitchen paper - I managed to get enough of the product inside to loosen the mechanism and stop that awful noise. Problem solved...except now it seemed that the handle itself was loose within the plate. Was this a new issue or had it always been like that?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was already half past midnight, making this an excellent time to go around my flat and test how wobbly the other door handles were, for comparison's sake. What I established was that a) No, they weren't, so there <i>must</i> be something wrong with the kitchen one, but b) Two of them were also stiff to turn. I naturally concluded that they were about to seize up, too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's something about anxiety that can create this domino effect; the more you seek reassurance, the more you find to worry about. And once anxiety gets a grip, there's just no reasoning with myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, though, a modicum of sanity did prevail. I couldn't face spraying all of the door handles at this late hour, with the attendant dripping and mopping up. Besides, the resulting stink of WD-40 would hardly be conducive to a pleasant night's sleep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To be on the safe side, I left every door ajar, for fear they would all somehow jam shut overnight, and re-located one set of screwdrivers to the hall, in case of future problems. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next day I sprayed inside all of the handles and now every one turns beautifully. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This all happened recently, however, and I haven't yet dispelled this particular anxiety. I still open and close the doors in nervous anticipation of something going wrong...and, yes, the spare screwdrivers are still in the hall!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-31774698872931808712016-03-07T13:00:00.000+00:002016-03-07T13:00:19.442+00:00Measuring up<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the last few months, I've given an author talk at a couple of my local libraries. This talk is in two parts: the first about how and why I wrote my novel, and the second about OCD and my personal experience of the condition.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During the latter section, I use an A3-sized version of the photo below to demonstrate what I mean by ordering. This shows one of my kitchen cupboard shelves and is an example of how it might look at any given time - the exact contents vary from day to day.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqk6Ef2DCaTr4WxqdwerqwXVadDX1M2ACvSdia0RmI1llXqUqWSdgtJOz3vIiFqL6KXLSWo-SvikPSgHSxNeOZwZ8hrNLNmHyrVOCNdXAFPOotuaUszJHrSmNcbqAhCHAZNmqSFPv2VRg/s1600/1D4_4847.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqk6Ef2DCaTr4WxqdwerqwXVadDX1M2ACvSdia0RmI1llXqUqWSdgtJOz3vIiFqL6KXLSWo-SvikPSgHSxNeOZwZ8hrNLNmHyrVOCNdXAFPOotuaUszJHrSmNcbqAhCHAZNmqSFPv2VRg/s320/1D4_4847.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Photo: Peter Gettins Photography</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the last event, this prompted some rather challenging questions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As soon as I held up the sheet, a woman at the back called out 'What's wrong with that?' The challenge was not so much in what she said, as how she said it: her tone was definitely tetchy. If I'd been a comedian, I'd have called it a heckle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I responded indirectly by explaining my very precise rules for arranging such items: the labels must face forward, be centred and lined up vertically, and the products must be centred to each other from front to back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I told the audience, being able to identify the contents of these containers is practical; positioning them with millimetre precision isn't - it's pointless and time-consuming.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My new friend wasn't satisfied. 'Do you use a ruler?' she asked. The question could have been intended as a joke, but, again, I didn't get that sense from her tone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'No, but there's an idea!' I said lightly, to deflect any implied criticism. In fact, I don't need a ruler, as compulsions are all about what 'feels right' and that internal measure is more accurate than any physical tool.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To further lighten the mood, I commented that I could see from this photo that some things were actually a little off-centre and not up to my usual standards. In fact, that's actually hard to judge from this shot: as the picture was taken head on, the items to the left and right appear to be on a diagonal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Yes, they are!' my friend agreed, with an air that somehow combined both reproach and smugness. By now, I really felt as though she were questioning my credentials as an OCD sufferer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She concluded by asking 'Do you use a spirit level?' Again, the answer was 'no', as most of the time I'm ordering items sitting on flat surfaces.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since then, I've reflected on this exchange and realise that I may have misjudged my inquisitor. Although I felt under attack, her comments could just as easily have been interpreted as defensive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She may well have OCD herself, perhaps undiagnosed, so the fact that I was attributing my behaviours to a mental illness - and openly acknowledging how ridiculous they were - could have been quite challenging to <i>her</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She left before I could speak to her one to one, but I do hope, if my suspicions are correct, that she gets help - and manages to resist the lure of the ruler and spirit level.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-47535300579394334232016-02-29T12:00:00.000+00:002016-02-29T12:00:15.572+00:00Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The more I watch the US sitcom <i>The Big Bang Theory</i>, the more I find myself relating to Dr Sheldon Cooper's quirks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For those who aren't familiar with the show, it focusses on the lives of four scientist friends - including Sheldon - who are all afflicted by varying degrees of social inadequacy. Although his behaviours are never named, he displays not only obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but also traits common to those on the autistic spectrum.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One episode that I particularly identify with is <i>The Werewolf Transformation</i>, which is about his adherence to routine. This all unravels when his regular barber is taken ill and is unavailable to give him his scheduled haircut.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What upsets Sheldon most is that his routines are designed to prevent a descent into chaos, yet this disruption to his plans doesn't have any dire consequences. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">'I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe, by carefully planning every moment of every day,' he tells his friend, Penny. Now, he fears, he has been wasting his time.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Photo: Peter Gettins Photography</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To a degree, of course, we all find routines comforting and it can be unsettling when they break down, whether they were seemingly ordinary activities or something rather more special. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My boyfriend and I used to celebrate Bonfire Night with the same friends every year, enjoying drinks, dinner and a firework display in their garden. Until the year we woke in the early hours of the following morning to find their neighbours' shed on fire. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Although the neighbours blamed the electrics, our guilt-ridden hostess attributed the blaze to one of our rockets and swore never to light another firework - and that was it, the sudden death of a fun-filled tradition that I'd thought we would carry on forever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It may not even be our own routines that we miss when they change. I've lived in my flat for 21 years and so have become accustomed to my neighbour's patterns of behaviour and have been quite upset when various people have moved on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When the elderly couple opposite left, oh, how I missed their over-the-top Christmas lights that signalled the start of the festive season and welcomed me home like a beacon on dark December evenings. When the new residents, in turn, moved out, I missed their cat for weeks afterwards - I was so used to seeing it in the living room window.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is still the comfort of the familiar all around, however, such the barking of a neighbour's excitable dog as she heads out for her evening walk and the jangle of the rag and bone man's bell as he drives down our street every Monday morning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And now I have a new neighbour across the road, who is a night owl like me - probably because he's an astrophysicist. We've never spoken, but I feel a strange companionship when I look over and see him working at his computer late at night. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Perhaps, in the end, that's why these routines are so significant: they don't just provide stability in our lives, but also a connection to the world around us. Even those that seem mundane or peripheral to our existence play their part, though you may not realise how important they were until they're gone.</span><br />
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Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-799580434163737105.post-75055193391786473412016-02-22T14:10:00.000+00:002016-02-22T14:10:12.206+00:00Little Miss Responsible<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People with obsessive-compulsive disorder tend to feel an exaggerated sense of responsibility for ensuring harm doesn't occur to others. It's this that drives many compulsions, such as cleaning obsessively to eradicate germs or repeatedly checking that doors and windows are secure.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My own compulsions are less focussed: I don't order my belongings to prevent something bad happening, but to alleviate the anxiety that disorder provokes in me. I do, however, carry a sense of heightened responsibility out into the wider world. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I once walked past a man lying on the pavement in my local high street, apparently fast asleep. Not an uncommon sight in London, but when I got home I began to fret. It was a very hot day and he wasn't wearing a shirt; he could easily suffer sunburn or heatstroke. What if he died and I could have prevented it? My anxiety drove me to call the emergency services and they despatched someone to check on him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On a number of occasions, I've gone up to a child on their own and asked if they were all right. The idea that a youngster might be abducted and killed is far more worrying than the risk that I might, myself, be mistaken for an abductor.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While many people might walk on by in these situations, most would probably consider it reasonable for a community-spirited individual to intervene. However, I take this kind of intervention to a whole new - and possibly less reasonable - level.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm the sort of person who points out to a fellow driver that one of their headlights has blown...because they might have an accident and hurt somebody.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or who tells a complete stranger that their shoelaces are undone...because they might fall over and break their arm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or who sees a letter left on the doorstep of a shop and wonders whether they should take it inside...because it might be important and its loss could have dire consequences.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tackling OCD is all about learning to handle life's uncertainties, the constant 'what ifs' that can cause almost intolerable anxiety if you dwell on them. By interfering in others' lives, I'm trying to control some of those 'what ifs', even though they don't directly affect me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In <i><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-David/dp/1849010722/ref=pd_sim_b_4" target="_blank">Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder</a></i>, authors Dr David Veale and Rob Willson talk about the need 'to assume an appropriate, flexible and non-extreme level of social responsibility'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In extreme cases, OCD sufferers may, for example, retrace car journeys to be sure that they haven't knocked anybody over en route, or obsessively check the news for reports of accidents to reassure themselves.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/<br />FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Veale and Willson go on to say 'The balance to strike is attending to the protection of others on the one hand, while on the other allowing yourself the usual rights to a life that is not plagued by anxiety and guilt.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My approach is probably a little off balance, compared to most, but so far not to a detrimental extreme: for now, at least, my interventions still qualify as helpful, rather than obsessive.</span><br />
<br />Helen Barbourhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04932545445679328061noreply@blogger.com0